All I want for Christmas is some really juicy news

first_imgAll we want for Christmas is love everlasting, joy to the world and good will that springs eternal, right? That and a big heaping pile of heavily marketed baubles, toys, gizmos and designer duds truly capture the meaning of the season. But one can only imagine what would be on the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/nondescript agnostic/atheist wintry holiday lists of some of our favorite newsmakers. Here are my educated guesses – skillfully intermingled with a smattering of uneducated guesses: Saddam Hussein: All he wants for Christmas is a Frito Lay variety pack, the Fruit of the Loom value pack and for someone to actually believe his claim that he’s still president of Iraq. That’s why they call them Christmas “dreams.” Bashar Assad: All he wants for Christmas is to not be next on our list. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: All he wants for Christmas is, er, all of Israel. The Iranian president’s naughty rating is so high that Santa has to start grading on a curve. Fidel Castro: All he wants for Christmas is immortality, an endless supply of stogies and more Jimmy Carters in the world. Oliver Stone: All he wants for Christmas is to be on Castro’s Christmas list. Kim Jong Il: All he wants for Christmas is a “Team America: World Police” sequel. Hans Blix: All he wants for Christmas is for his puppet to have a more successful rematch with Kim Jong Il in a “Team America” sequel. Jacques Chirac: All he wants for Christmas are some more genteel rioters next year. Have some cheese with that whine. Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev: All he wants for Christmas is for comedian Ali G as Borat to stop making jokes about his country – and start picking on Uzbekistan instead. Viktor Yushchenko: All he doesn’t want for Christmas is another orange scarf. Alan Greenspan: All he wants for Christmas is 800 more years as Fed chairman. Or was that Yoda? Robert Blake: All he wants for Christmas is $30 million. He’ll take cash or check. Mohammed “Baghdad Bob” Saeed al-Sahaf: All he wants for Christmas is a new P.R. job. Michael Jackson: All he wants for Christmas is some good P.R. – and a big Bahrainian Neverland. Ted Kennedy: All he wants for Christmas is some cheer – enough to wipe from his memory the fact that he praised Sam Alito in his confirmation process for the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. Samuel Alito: All he wants for Christmas – and New Year’s Day, and Eid, and Groundhog Day and Valentine’s Day – is for his damn confirmation hearings to kick into gear. Moammar Gadhafi: All he wants for Christmas are his WMDs back – biological, nuclear, doesn’t matter. However, he racked up so many years of being naughty that it will take at least 183 years to work his way out of the red and back up the “nice” list. Tom DeLay: All he wants for Christmas is Mark Geragos. (See? Republicans can make jokes about other Republicans.) Scooter Libby: All he wants for Christmas is to get off on the Valerie Plame charges and for commentators to stop harping on his dirty book – which, by the way, is called “The Apprentice,” is available on Amazon, and should come with optional plain brown wrapper. Kofi Annan: All he wants for Christmas are some barrels of oil – and in return, he’ll leave Santa a nice big plate of food. Bill Clinton: All he wants for Christmas is Kofi’s job. Pat Robertson: All he wants for Christmas are a few Venezuelan revolutionaries-for-hire. Hugo Chavez: All he wants for Christmas is a big Bolivarian wonderland that encompasses most of the Western Hemisphere. Vicente Fox: All he wants for Christmas is a chance to deck Chavez’s halls. Bridget Johnson writes for the Daily News. E-mail her at [email protected] AD Quality Auto 360p 720p 1080p Top articles1/5READ MORERose Parade grand marshal Rita Moreno talks New Year’s Day outfit and ‘West Side Story’ remake160Want local news?Sign up for the Localist and stay informed Something went wrong. Please try again.subscribeCongratulations! You’re all set!last_img